I wonder some days if I will look back at my blog in years to come and think "hey, it wasn't so awful, was it"! I try to be and generally I am pretty positive, so I choose to gloss over the bad bits.
It was eight months yesterday and I'm doing OK, what have I learnt about bereavement? It is a hugely effective diet, your hair falls out in handfuls, stomach ulcers are not a barrel load of laughs, your short term memory will go missing in action (and other widows will smile and tell you they aren't so sure it ever comes back again) and you will be amazed and grateful you arrive at places safely because you cry so much in your car. Simply that you miss them every day.
They say loosing your partner re writes your address book, it has, there are new friends, absolutely brilliant old friends and there are people I know I will never see again. It's fine, you know what, I am socially inadequate around bereaved people too, if anyone is going to say the wrong thing, it will be me. One thing I have learnt though, if I am ever in two minds about going to a funeral I will go, I am still so thankful for the people who came, people I hadn't seen in years and those who had travelled a long way.
Horse wise it was all going swimmingly, twelve on the place and it looked like I really only had two left to sell. Sadly it would appear that Inca is back on the market. We've had time wasters, photo collectors and people backing out of sales every year. Some people I still wonder about (Lehan, Kat in Denmark) some I've had a small wry smile at (when their new horse didn't work out so well) and some people I think "when you message me can you not see the twenty messages you have sent me over the years, when you have promised to phone, to view, when you have made offers...?" That said I have never had people switch from uber excited to not having the foal in 24hrs and this year I have had two. In the dark last night I cried and thought, yes you are right to get out of horses, you can't run a business when people behave like this. In daylight, after coffee, I remember that the lovely people outweigh the others ten to one and I think maybe I will miss this life, maybe one day I'll be foolish enough to do it all again.