And so...

Mark should of been forty today and there is nothing I can say that will make the fact that he is not here to celebrate his birthday ok.  There is a beautiful quote by Alison Nappi about grief "And herein lies the gift that cannot die. It changes the course of your life forever. If you allow yourself the chance to feel it for as long as you need to - even if it is for the rest of your life - you will be guided by it. You will become someone it would have been impossible for you to be, and in this way your loved one lives on, in you."  I am simply a very different person because Mark lived, and also because he died.

In a lot of ways blogging has been cathartic, it makes you stop and evaluate where you are, so where am I?  The first year after Mark's death I can only describe as the most incredible year of my life, I pulled off the near miracle of getting the business disbanded and the horses away to great homes in eleven months.  I rattled from one small success to another, even in the darkest moments there was something to be positive about, I found my strength both physically and mentally.  It was a year where I would form or cement friendships that I know will always be incredibly important to me and I would see the absolute best in some people.  The second year was more difficult and that was mostly due to others expectations, you've done all the "firsts" and you need to move on.  If I am honest I think many people thought there was a new man, that I would whip off the widow's weeds a year and a day on and reveal life version 2.0, I didn't.  So here I find myself in the third year without Mark and I feel I've made my peace, I will miss him until the day I die and it will never be fair but it is a life worth living, I'm happy and content (and a little bit bored, or boring, debate!)  Not a day goes by where I don't think I am incredibly lucky, I think I always have been.